n e w s p i m p

2004-03-22T11:02:00.000-08:00

SNAKE BITES are making news in Thailand. Boonreung Bauchan was killed by a cobra when the treatment by herbal medicine and whiskey didn't have the desired effect. Conflicting reports indicate that the reptile may have been a mamba. "Snake Man" Bauchan set a new world record in 1998 after surviving seven days in an enclosure with snakes.

Although such bites can be deadly, it may be prudent to make sure the victim is dead. In the West Bengal village of Sonapalasi, an eight-year-old boy looked to have died from a snake bite. As local customs dictate, he was set afloat in a raft on Damodar river only to revive somewhere downstream. Unfortunately, he couldn't remember the name of the village he came from and didn't return for 11 years. Don't know if his little excursion helped him forget his hometown.

Where does mysticism end and technology begin? There is a report of a "magic laser" being used to treat snake bites in Arizona. Perhaps this treatment is to Southwest desert dwellers what a river raft trip is to Sonapalasians.

Speaking of the Southwest, rattlesnake season has arrived early with reports of snakes biting man and man's best friend. "They usually don't come out of hibernation until April," said an animal control officer in this spurious quote, "But then again, presidential TV ads are starting earlier than usual this year."

2004-03-12T12:23:00.000-08:00

HIATUS On vacation for a week.

2004-03-12T11:19:00.000-08:00

WALTER CRONKITE was old in 1981 when he stepped down from the CBS Evening News. But I'm a lot closer to retirement than I was then. Cronkite, now 87, feels he left the anchor desk too soon, and is grumbling about promises made and unkept for stepping down in favor of Dan Rather. CBS keeps renewing Cronkite's contract, but unlike what they SAID they were going to do, has never let him back on the program. Would the "most trusted man in America" lie?

He certainly keeps in the public eye. Whether it's providing the voice of Ben Franklin for the PBS show "Liberty's Kids;" or writing his opinions in his syndicated newspaper features; or lending his name to Arizona State University to encourage continued excellence in journalism; or his ongoing interest in space.

I can't help but agree with this TV Critic who compares Cronkite to Howard Stern. If Cronkite was still in the power chair of the evening news and editorializing his opinions, some of which no doubt anger the Bush Administration, would Cronkite's job be in jeopardy. Stern's is.

2004-03-12T11:11:00.000-08:00

CROCODILES Yet another news story. Please refer to my 3.5.2004 post for more recent croc communiqués.

2004-03-11T15:13:00.000-08:00

A FLAT TIRE is one thing, but all eight? A FedEx jet blew all eight tires and blocked a runway while landing in Ft. Lauderdale. The National Transportation Safety Board was at the accident site to determine the cause. I'll bet they were hurrying to make all those 10am delivery times. Since they had to unload the jet from the middle of the runway, I wonder how many of those Fedex's arrived late?

What firefighters thought was a blowout turned out to be a bit more baffling. The fire truck has just come to a stop when the ground opened up beneath them. The surface of the street mysteriously opened up and the truck's right front tire dropped into a three foot sink hole.

Spontaneous asphalt implosion is a much better excuse than "I didn't see the body." Thinking the rough ride was due to a flat tire, a New York cabbie was shocked to learn he had run over a collapsed man lying in the street. The 73-year-old victim, a tourist from Florida, died at the scene. Credit the cabbie for not doing a hit-and-run, but it took 25 minutes to get the deceased out from under the taxi. Wonder who had to pay the meter on that one?

2004-03-08T15:10:00.000-08:00

A HANDYMAN's work is never done, unless stupidity plays a part. Such is the case of a man in Australia who shot himself in the head with a nail gun. He was enjoying a few beers with friends after work and began joking about industrial accidents. He had turned off the gun's compressor and taken out its nail cartridge but did not realize there was still enough pressure in the gun to fire a nail.

A different Australian handyman after watching Mel Gibson's "The Passion Of The Christ decided to " "feel the pain" that Jesus must of felt and nailed himself in the head. "Guess I shouldn't have downed all those beers before messing around with my nail gun. I'll know better next time," said the man.

Who would have thought beer and nail guns didn't mix.

2004-03-05T14:25:00.000-08:00

CROCODILES, in Florida maybe, but Pennsylvania? A woman found a three-foot long crocodile on her front porch, with a sign on it reading "feed me." Last year a four-foot croc was found in the Keystone State. "Keep Steve Irwin away from me," read its spurious sign.

Name something that Cuba and Viet Nam have in common, aside from an historically tumultuous political relationship with the USA. If you guessed crocodile farming, you're correct. "Cuba is willing to help Viet Nam in crocodile farming and health care, " said Fidel Castro as excerpted from this article. "Our first project will be an HMO for alligators," he added in total fabrication.

Brothel wars in Darwin, Australia have resulted in two murders. Two Thai-born prostitutes with Australian citizenship were bound and tossed from a bridge into the Adelaide River. Police said the killers probably expected the women to be eaten by crocodiles. Crikey.

2004-03-05T09:19:00.000-08:00

BREAST AUGMENTATION for women, nose job for men. These are the preferences in the UK for those asked about cosmetic surgery. And they would borrow an average of £4,000 to pay for it. Could this be considered a home improvement loan?

An Italian woman skipped out on a 7,500 euro plastic surgery bill after receiving the biggest silicone implants available. "I tried to pay," said the woman in this spurious response to allegations, "I just couldn't see my purse any more."

Kuala Lumpur's Petronas Twin Towers aren't the only twosome that tourists are interested in when traveling to Malaysia. Some Europeans come back from their Asian holiday with bigger breasts or a facelift. With a flight from UK, two weeks in a four-star hotel, plus the surgery, and all the incidentals, the price is about the same or less than surgery alone in Britain. Book your travel now!

2004-03-04T15:16:00.000-08:00

PICKPOCKETS are on a roll. Literally. Police in Bethesda, MD are warning of a pickpocket scam involving a man in a wheelchair. He rolls up to victims in grocery stores and asks for help getting something off the top shelf. So who's handicapped, the one in the chair or the one without the wallet?

Drexel University was the scene when the self-proclaimed King of Pickpockets was apprehended once again. He has previously been arrested at various locations in Philadelphia. It is newspimp's opinion that the true King is the one who hasn't been caught yet.

According to How Stuff Works, Pickpocketing is one of the oldest and most widespread crimes in the world. The appeal is its relative safety: A skilled pickpocket can make off with just as much money as an armed robber, without much danger of confrontation or risk of being identified in a line-up. By the time the victim even realizes what has happened, the pickpocket is long gone. And since no weapons are involved, pickpockets who do get caught face minimal jail time.

That is unless victims take matters in their own hands. In Singapore, a pickpocket was pinned down by a teenager with the help of two passersby. While in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, a suspected pickpocket was beaten to death by a mob in a supermarket car park. (Note to would-be wallet lifters: steer clear of Asia.)

2004-03-04T08:38:00.000-08:00

THE POPE's poetry
prints one million copies in
twenty languages

Compared to this bad haiku, His Holiness knows verse. His book, Roman Triptych is planned for even wider translation, to include Dutch, Hungarian, Czech, Basque, Catalan, Russian, Norwegian, Portuguese and Indian language Malayalam.

Candidates for the 2004 Nobel Peace Prize include The Pope and President George W. Bush. But if prizes are given for the best frat house limerick, I'd have to go with the latter.

This just in! Kmart to pay $44,000 in back taxes to Pope. Oh, that's Pope County, Arkansas.

Flash! Pope arrested for abuse of 8-year-old girl. Oh, that's Jon Timothy Pope.

News extra! Pope wows crowd with one-liners. Yes, it's John Paul II prompting peals of laughter at the Vatican.

2004-03-03T15:06:00.000-08:00

HAPPY BROKEN WRIST DAY or as they say in Norway glad brukket håndledd dag. A Norwegian doctor of Orthopedics claims that March 3rd is the day you are most likely to break a wrist in Oslo.

Not sure how the Norwegian calendar translates to others around the world, but close has to count for something. Recent broken wrists include: jockey Kirk LeBlanc, college baller Rolando Howell, NBA guard Larry Hughes, Vermont hoopster Taylor Coppenrath, rock singer Ryan Adams and NHL winger Justin Williams.

Yeeeeeeeearrrrrrhhhhh! My hand just slipped off the keyboard!

2004-03-03T10:36:00.000-08:00

GIVE CREDITS where credits are due. A former student sued Florida Metropolitan University because she could not apply any classes for college credits that were taken for her associates degree . She spent $37,000 for a diploma in criminal justice. "Not being able to transfer any of it to another college," said Adrienne Travis in this spurious quote, "THAT'S the criminal part."

It pays for potential students to thoroughly check out schools like FMU to see if credits are tranferable. For instance, Modesto Junior College will sponsor its first study-abroad program in Thailand that earns up to nine college credits. Students at Pleasant Grove High School get college credits for woodshop, earning from two to five credits for cabinetmaking and millwork classes. And up to three college credits are available through the Oregon Coast Community College for doing volunteer work at an aquarium.

Even military personnel can obtain college credits for simply taking a test. Some educational institutions have begun offering credits for Navy advancement exams.

Students need to check out a school before they sign up, because there's a reason why some "universities" advertise a lot on TV.

2004-03-02T15:46:00.000-08:00

PUBLIC TOILETS have folks in Seattle flush with excitement. Five new, self-cleaning, space-age style potties have doors that open and close like an elevator. You step in and they softly seal shut behind you. A gentle voice then bids you welcome and warns that the doors will open should you stay beyond the 15-minute time limit. Talk about performance anxiety.

There was no mention of any safeguards against theft. Take a lesson from the UK where a stolen loo has authorities baffled. Cleaning crews checked the public toilet at 1:30pm and by 4:00 it was gone. A spurious informant tells newspimp that this web site link was found next to a crude drawing of a kangaroo and the warning "you're next!"

Toilet explosions in Australia, England and Kabul have not deterred the Chinese government which is planning to upgrade their public toilets. "If we don't upgrade unhygienic facilities, the terrorists win," said a local resident through a spurious translator.

2004-03-02T09:46:00.000-08:00

"POPCORN Packers' Lung" is a real disease and a really big deal in Missouri courts. Opening statements for a trial are set for next week as factory workers plead their case that this rare lung disease was caused by the artificial butter vapors. No word if salt is involved.

63 quarts is the quantity of popcorn every man, woman and child in America eats each year. And if the bulk of that is movie popcorn, people in Bath, England says that the price being paid is a rip-off. £3.60 for 140g. That's $6.61 for not even 5 ounces. As they say in Aramaic, Aykaa beyt tadkeetha? Zaadeq lee d-asheeg eeday men perdey devshaanaayey haaleyn!*

In a related story, the father of movie popcorn, Samuel M. Rubin, died recently at the age of 85. It did not say if his departure was related to Popcorn Packers' Lung or concession sticker shock.

*Where is the john? I need to wash my hands of this popcorn. (see 03.01.04 SATAN post for more information)

2004-03-01T15:10:00.000-08:00

BOTTLED WATER, as we always suspected, is the same as water from the kitchen faucet. At least the stuff bottled by the Coca Cola Company under the Dasani brand. Dasani confirmed "municipal" water supplies were used but said the source was "irrelevant" because it "doesn't affect the end result". Which is that Dasani is as pure as water can get. Tap water.

Ohio is moving toward truth-in-labeling regulations that will give consumers more information about the source of their bottled water. As it stands, water labeled "glacier," "arctic" or "polar" may come from a city water treatment plant. Pure as Dasani water, no doubt.

There's an expiration date on milk and cottage cheese, and by taking a whiff you pretty much know if that expiration date has passed. Pass the expiration date on bottled water and you know what you might get? Tap water.

2004-03-01T11:10:00.000-08:00

SATAN was seen in the Lobby of Mel Gibson's new Movie "The Passion of the Christ." A student dressed as the devil shocked the crowd at an Evansville, Indiana theater, many of whom were part of church groups that came to see the movie.

As you may know, Aramaic is one of the ancient languages spoken in "The Passion of the Christ." Here is a handy guide to discussing the movie in that language.*

Same flick, different region: moviegoers complained that their tickets were marked with the "sign of the beast", with 666 imprinted on them. 666 is the biblical number of the Antichrist.

Satan also scored four goals in a hockey game. That's Miroslav Satan of the Buffalo Sabres. He had a hell of a game.

*Da'ek teleyfoon methta'naanaak, pquud. Guudaapaw!

2004-02-27T14:25:00.000-08:00

FUNERAL HOME workers on strike in Montreal, Canada, have taken to hooting and cheering at recent funerals and viewings in an attempt to bring attention to their demands of better pay and greater job security. Like there's going to be a shortage of work now that the first wave of Baby Boomers is nearing retirement.

Maple-leafed finger-folders should check out the perks at other funeral homes. Like those with easy access to death certificates to use in forging a loved-one's passing in order to collect life insurance money. Discontented coffin kickers should move to Louisiana for the great employee benefits.

In case any Canadian citizens are concerned that their time may come while the strike lingers on, here's a chance to win a free funeral. The Daytona Cubs, a minor league team in the Florida State League, will be running this promotion all season, if you can keep the Grim Reaper at bay until September. Order tickets here.

2004-02-27T09:35:00.000-08:00

POODLE instead of Nunchaku? This may not be a new form of martial art but a man attacked a police officer with his tiny French poodle by swinging the dog on its leash. Neither dog nor policeman was hurt, but the assailant's machismo must be severely wounded.

Toy-dog terrorism may be one reason that dogs could soon be classed as "dangerous weapons" under a bill before New York City Council. Although it mainly applies to pit bulls, Rottweilers or any vicious dog over ten pounds, it could be amended to including whirling poodles.

Poodles, preferably ones with allergies, may now be candidates for use as back-up for smoke alarms. Although this is not an official recommendation by the National Fire Protection Association, a sneezing poodle, not a smoke alarm, was the first alert to a fire in this New England town.

2004-02-26T14:29:00.000-08:00

SALIVA samples from pets indicate that cats have cleaner spit than dogs. These results come from an elementary school science project in North Dakota. This is a far cry from building stuff out of popsicle sticks and sugar cubes, or rubbing a balloon on your head to demonstrate static electricity. But I still don't like some of the things I've seen my cat lick.

The deadly gila monster has helpful saliva. So say researchers in North Carolina. They've used it to develop a new drug called Exenatide that diabetics use to control blood sugar. For naturopaths, I would rule out direct injections from the creature itself and do the drug instead.

With apologies to undead bloodsuckers everywhere, vampire bat saliva contains a protein which is an effective clot-busting agent. It may help stroke victims by breaking up blood clots in the brain without affecting the rest of the body's clotting system and with less risk of dangerous bleeding inside the brain. "That sucks. A medical breakthrough like that could put an end to my legendary evil," said Dracula in a spurious response to this issue.

2004-02-26T10:31:00.000-08:00

NECROPHILIA. Now there's a word you don't often see in the news, until someone gets arrested for using an SUV to run down a jogger and admits he did it because he wanted to have sex with a corpse. The 17-year-old driver could spend the rest of his life is prison, if his lawyer doesn't get him off to treat the "deteriorating psychotic mental condition" of his client.

Meanwhile, in South Africa, a man allegedly killed and then raped two girls as part of a black magic ritual to create ghosts to torment his wife. This has the potential to make Marley's Christmas visitors seem tame by comparison.

Jurists in Illinois are weighing the claims of a "mild form of necrophilia" in a case of sexual assault performed after the victim's methadone overdose. How many different levels of necrophilia are there?

And if there is such a thing as a humorous take on the subject, read Massachusetts: Unfair to Necrophiliacs!

2004-02-25T09:52:00.000-08:00

AIRPORT SCREENERS may now rival DMV workers for their competency level as perceived by people who deal with them. Taking a joy ride through an x-ray machine is a good example. It's not that this is the first incident at the Denver airport involving inappropriate behavior. Earlier this month, a screener was charged with the theft of $700 from a purse.

One reason for such activities might be in the way the Transportation Security Administration tests potential applicants. According to anonymous TSA workers, a high number of people failed the first time they took the recertification test, but passed the second time because TSA is watering down its testing standards.

Then again, airport screeners might just be having a bad reaction to on-the-job stress. How would you handle a 13-year-old packing heat when her backpack x-ray revealed a handgun? Or if an airline passenger jokes about having three bombs in her luggage?

Perhaps a nice long vacation is in order. For some security screeners more than others.

2004-02-25T07:54:00.000-08:00

PARKING SPACES, there are more than 105 million of them across America. While a 2003 study estimates there are only about 1,300 different car models. That's a lot of look-alike autos parked next to each other. No wonder people wander around mall parking lots trying to remember where they left their cars.

You might think that linking the place to five deaths is a good enough reason to close a nightclub, but parking is the real crime. The Australian night club no longer has adequate parking facilities since a nearby car park ended their agreement with the club. Despite the body count, the establishment remains closed due to zone ordinance violation.

You know parking is bad when it results in murder. In Baltimore, a double-parked car allegedly blocked the path of another vehicle resulting in a fatal shooting. And in a related story in Denver, a woman temporarily parked in another man's driveway resulting in the man brandishing a handgun to make her move.

Think I'll take the bus today.

2004-02-24T16:04:00.000-08:00

OLD FARTS and other fans of baked beans looking for a holiday destination, head for the UK. The town of West Bromwich, nicknamed the Windy City, purchases more baked beans per capita than any other place in Britain. The next town downwind is probably calling it by a different name.

While in one of Britain's former colonies, official funding has been sourced to help New Zealand's greenhouse gas problem. The goal is to reduce emissions from livestock by at least 20% by 2012, with a budget of 7 million bucks to fund the research. Divided by the estimated number of "sheep peeps," how much is that per flatulent?

They say burning a match can cover up such smells, but burning a book? That might be the next step for former West Salem School Board member Maynard Carlson, who is trying to keep a book off the shelves of the elementary school library. "Walter the Farting Dog," the popular book about a canine with a gaseous condition, was introduced to Carlson by his grandson, who read the book to the old fart at a family gathering. Sounds like a new family tradition to me. Buy it at Amazon.com today.

2004-02-24T08:24:00.000-08:00

PIZZA LOVERS take note, especially those born on Leap Year Day. Dominos Pizza is giving away pizza to those born on February 29th. But wait, you also need to be named Dorothy or Dot, so the company can get mileage out of their Domino's Dots promotion. So, for those other-named Leap Yearers, not only do you get gypped out of a birthday three years out of every four, there's also no free pizza.

Sometimes there's no free lunch. Reality TV is set to turn the table on California Pizza Kitchen founder, Rick Rosenfield. On an upcoming reality TV series on the Learning Channel, called "Now Who's Boss?", Rosenfield spends a couple hours washing dishes. Add dish-pan hands on top of the business he's losing to Atkins aficionados.

Speaking of reduced carb pizza, St. Louis-based Pizza World has spent $10,000 on lower carb pizza dough in an attempt to serve the hords of non-gluton gluttons something with their low carb beer. Hope the pies taste more like the real thing than the watery brew.

And for those of you wondering, Dominos predicted it would sell 1.2 million pizzas on Super Bowl Sunday.

2004-02-23T16:11:00.000-08:00

BEER is making more than a frothy head in a frosty mug. It's making news.

Tsingtao may be the best known Chinese brand to bring to your next international beer bust, but a beer burst is reason for concern in China proper. So says 25% of those issuing complaints for food safety in 2003.

Closer to home but not closer to the ground, an Oklahoma man was sentenced to three years probation for verbally abusing flight attendants with demands for beer. "All I did was voice my opinion for the lack of Tsingtao on the flight," said the man in a fabricated interview with newspimp.

While drunk driving is the leading cause of alcohol-related death, it doesn't grab headlines the way this Portland, Oregon story does. A man was sentenced to one year in jail for manslaughter after punching out a friend who gave him a can of urine instead of a beer.

Although we are not advocating alcohol abuse nor the impaired judgement of those who imbibe, it's good to know your rights.

2004-02-23T14:09:00.000-08:00

PROSTHETIC LEGS have always had a special place in American culture and song simply because they keep making news.

To one man in Washington state, nothing says motivation like an ice pick to the old oaken thigh, unless, of course, it's choosing the wrong leg to prove the point.

In Virginia, an artificial lower limb has brought neighbors together in a way that wouldn't be possible without the world of prosthetics.

The irony isn't lost to people up in the frozen north. As the Fairbanks Daily News-Miner reports, a man broke his leg (upper) during a dog sled race, the same leg with the prosthetic on it (lower).

And like the abundanct shapes and sizes of ersatz ambulation appendages, the news is filled with stories of determination, stories of heroism and stories of hope.

Walk a mile in their shoes. Get yours today.